The next morning, the doctors did not rush us to reach, what to them was the obvious conclusion. In their minds, it was just a matter of time.  We learned that Matt was experiencing drastic swings in respiration rate, heart rate, and temperature, and the ventriculostomy tube was continuing to drain an excessive amount of fluid from his brain. The staff worked hard to stabilize his symptoms and keep Matt comfortable. Among other tests, the neurosurgeon requested an MRI.  We didn’t think to ask, Why do more tests if there is no hope? other than to confirm the extent of brain damage. The CAT scan results had clearly shown massive brain edema or swelling, but an MRI, could look at specific brain structures and identify potential areas of ischemia (stroke), or dead tissue. The test was scheduled for the following evening.

As time unfolded, our family agreed minimally, to wait to end life support, until the last of our relatives came to say their goodbyes on Friday. Our apprehension grew. Adding to our foreboding was the news that once life support was turned off, Matt could stay alive on his own, anywhere from a few hours to a week. This meant there would be no definitive time period to say our final goodbyes, and we would have to stay vigilant at his bedside day and night, watching for his last breath. The news made my gut wretch. I could not imagine watching Matt’s life slowly ebb away with me helplessly standing by his side. Or worse yet, what if I wasn’t there because I had stepped out or fallen asleep—missing one last moment to gently touch his face and kiss him goodbye? I yearned to hug him and never let go, but the cage that was his bed denied me even that small solace.  

The department head directed us to Matt’s office so that we could begin the process of clearing out his possessions. This presumptive act felt like we were betraying Matt—as if already sealing his fate. As we explored his office, we realized how little we knew about his professional life. It was heartwarming to hear that Matt was held in high regard. How proud we were to hear about an innovative teaching strategy of his that was being featured in their upcoming engineering publication. Arrangements had already been made to cover the balance of Matt’s Spring and the upcoming Fall classes, and Matt already had a planned Sabbatical scheduled for Spring 2019. In the telling, it seemed as if the department head was holding out hope that Matt would recover and he wanted to keep Matt's position open as long as possible.